today

Dec. 17th, 2010 11:57 am
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I need to go to the gym. I need to work on my paper before Shabbos services, and after, which sucks. It's the 10th of Tevet which I'm only just now learning about; I'm not fasting. I have so much to do, and I don't care about it, and I hate how it's interfering with my Shabbos practice. Solstice ritual tomorrow as Shabbos is ending and then more work afterwards.

On the plus side I fell in love with the city again yesterday, walking around the village over by Tompkins Square Park on a beautifully dilated monochromatic gray day, Angelica Kitchen wee-dragon for lunch and then the last day of Nietzsche class. My dreams Wednesday night were codeine bright, fell asleep wine-drunk and dreamt of having to kill someone and pass them to the ancestors, dreamt of Ren getting married again seaside, the broiling quality of sunlight and turquoise waters unbelievably clear.


first duty

Oct. 24th, 2010 10:07 pm
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Discipline is the highest of all virtues. Only so may strength and desire be counterbalanced and the endeavors of man bear fruit.
(--Kazantzakis, The Saviors of God)
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Found this via [livejournal.com profile] yezida but it perfectly summarizes my situation:

Nietzsche neil
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Paralleling [livejournal.com profile] septemberish's recent admission of her perverse pleasure in pulling an all-nighter: Dyou think there's something wrong with me that I started to salivate while reading through the course offerings at the schools I want to go to?

Also, I just wrote to Uma because I was idly researching the big bang theory and found this:
According to the standard theory, our universe sprang into existence as "singularity" around 13.7 billion years ago. What is a "singularity" and where does it come from? Well, to be honest, we don't know for sure.

It made me laugh because I once wrote a paper for her trying to figure out what the hell a singularity is (in Multitude, but still.)

Also, the big bang thing is funny because evidently the theory is that before this moment when this singularity sprang into existence, there was nothing. Then there was the universe. I know this is one of those things that baffles everybody and is ergo sort of trite, but...There was Nothingness (whatever that is) and then, this atom, that expanded outward, spinning the worlds into existence? Cosmology is crazy. Creation.
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Whoa, there is a big beautiful fierce thunderstorm outside that whipped buckets of rain down and just subsided briefly to a hazy bright sky. Tornado warnings afoot but safe in the now-stuffy house I just feel that electric storm-excitement.

I presented on my thesis at the philosophy end-of-year party last night and it went well and I got good feedback and had fun eating good food and schmoozing. Uma seems set on helping me publish something soon so that's exciting too.

Today I have to write my last-ever paper at Vassar, that Agamben thing. I gotta get to it now that I've been awake for 41/2 hours and haven't touched the damn thing.
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Spewing half-formed thoughts onto a page is such an unsatisfying exercise, particularly when you're meant to set an example with this paper you're writing besotten with a cold and confused head. Today coming back on the train the Hudson was all frozen choppy, almost solid on the edges and getting more loose towards the center. It reminded me of pastry crust, for some reason. Back to work. Modernity ick.
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I just made $4 for rolling a dice in the library! (Some econ kid was running an experiment: here's 2 bucks you can keep. Or, you can roll the dice. If you roll a 1 or a 6, you get double the amount, but if you don't, you don't get any. So of course I rolled the dice.) And I only have a page and a half of space left in this paper that's "not to exceed 10 pages," so hopefully I don't have a lot more to say than that (though I fear I might, and I don't want to rush through the good stuff.) I'm a little thin-skinned behind the eyelids today, on the edge of cranky but veering out of it. So dark outside even with the full moon, quiet library, hopes of finishing this, eating dinner, and watching Sex and the City with a friend. All in all not bad, *plus* only 2 more logic classes ever! (Let's not discuss the absent presence haunting that sentence, namely the impending exam, okay?)
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The cans in front of me: Cream Ale, lemon-lime seltzer, Diet Coke.
The feeling in me? Good.
The thesis outline? Sprawling enough that I feel comfortable just working on it towards a quick end at a reasonable bedtime. It is, after all, only meant to be a 5 pg outline-- a motivational and organizational tool, certainly, but not much beyond that.

Gym class in less than 11 hours-- how inappropriate. I worked out today on my own which felt really good.

Overall I'm feeling so much more calm and in place about things, thank G-d. The light was spilling in through my window this morning when I woke up on 5 hours' sleep and I still felt so grateful. It's nice to have an altar at the head of yr bed.

And, I'm so excited to get to give myself a mini-break to go to the city to see my boyfriend and my again-departing friends and, at the end of it all, most likely get my first shot.

Moon's full in a couple of days; makes sense.

sending love--
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I hate the new LJ bar. The old one was so automatic.

That said, I have plans of going to the gym within the hour. I ate dinner first which was kind of stupid--but I was hungry.

Today I:
-said this prayer when I woke up: )which I just think is so perfect and beautiful.
-Got totally stood up by philosophers! )
-sensing a theme? Man these philosophy profs have to get their shit together! I was actually disappointed to not get to speak with Murray.
-met with Rena (the rabbi) to go over transliterations and format for my service. I'm actually really excited (and nervous too of course.)
-ate Fresco Tortilla which, while dirt cheap, also somehow cost me $7. So no more eating off-campus for a while.
-decided it would be a really good idea... )
-hustled to the CVS to get passport-size photos taken to send for JYA stuff. They are so bad and cost $8. I've got these ridiculous eye circles and a sort of simpering/wistful smile. Oh being unphotogenic.
-really miss Val, suddenly.

whee!

Dec. 11th, 2003 11:51 am
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All of Vassar is a puddle! Green and sloshy and the snow is melting to mudlicious slush and the water is deep cold and clear. I got a copious amount of cookies from The Baker at home, and a bath stopper, from my mom, in the mail! Oh drank Guinness last night and finally fell asleep! Ooh, and Squirm (the campus sex-positive pornzine) even gave me a rad (and unintentionally hilarious) gift as thanks for helping set up and carry off Hot Chocolate, that lovely event which gave me an excuse to prance around in next to nothing.

In short, puddles! Cookies! So even though I'm exhausted cos I couldn't sleep til like 3 last night and then woke up to go to the bathroom and almost had a panic attack about opening the stall door, now I am happy!

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