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It's the coolest grayest Beltaine-tide in a while, but I'm not complaining [while bracketing whatever chaos factors of anthropogenic effect probably shift our weather systems this way alongside more harmful changes]--- it seems peaceful, and dreamy, and a suitable cauldron for all the big gentle changes and creative work in my life right now.

For those who don't know: I've been working on my own Tarot deck, a deeply magical, elemental, Jewitchy deck with a zinester aesthetic. It's called the Hidden Light, and if you want to preorder a deck and make a pledge to help get it into the world you can do that here:

Today is my last day teaching at Stony Brook (and also the last day of my retiring feminist philosophy prof/diss. committee member with the lemon meringue hair who's seated next to me on the bus, typing away after our conversation about the imagined Retired Itinerant Philosphers' E-ssociation), last day schlepping out there 'til diss defense (if I can't do that in the city) and graduation. My final paper for my last bit o' wags (women&gender) coursework is a zine that I'll finish pasting and photocopy at school. A good time to end.

Then, this month I'll finish my last diss. chapter and send it out, start revising, write an intro & conclusion, defend in the fall. The end of an era (called what, institutional student? I'm always learning but this is something else, a shift to the other side).

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Sometimes akresis is so much more appealing than taking care. I rode my bike to the train today in hopes (in part) of kicking up my bodily/cardiac capacity as I gear up (whatever) to quit smoking. I already don't really want to but there it is on my calendar, mockingly cheery in purple ink. It's the equinox today, Rosh Chodesh on Thursday. Today the river stank beautiful and brackish, eddies or whirlpools gathering speed and running upstream it looked above 96th, huge ships docked and polarized clouds. Yesterday I lay on the warm grass up on a hill in Morningside with Critter, felt the mana pour in, springtime.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Today after I went to the gym for an hour and a half I came home wanting nothing more than to eat a big bloody piece of meat, so while my clothes were spinning I walked to the meat market near the train and got some rib-eye, a bag of potatoes and some kale. Then I was struck with the ethical dilemma of how I was gonna eat steak and potatoes without butter (or, without butter and cheddar mashed up into twice-baked potatoes), but I called my mom for moral support and went for it. Instead I fried up some onions in the steak juice, poured in some brandy and didn't miss the mother's milk at all.

The air is light and the light is stretching slow and sparkly this spring, the tree-buds coming out so green I wish early spring could just dilate and dilate out for another little while. The whole way I inhabit my body + the earth changes, opens up. Something about it makes it seem like a really good idea to start smoking again, the pleasure of tobacco smoke sucked down yr throat in the frothy air and late slow sun, but I'm not going there just yet.

The other night I went out to Brooklyn to hang out with Matt + Seth. We walked down the river, talking down the line of the railguard, in a row on a bench, in a row at the counter of the most amazing Montreal-Jewish non-kosher 'deli' that was really an open-kitchen restaurant with cooks who clearly love food. Ohhh my g-d the platter of cured/smoked brisket and mustard and rye, plus pickles and sunchokes and little poured glasses of IPA, so good. But mostly we just got high on the amazing crumbly-dry juicy red meat. Then we drank whiskey and then I went home with Seth to talk and drink more whiskey. I am on a roll, spring is here.
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"A hard rain's gonna fall," one of my neighbors standing outside says, "and when it do-" I don't get to hear the rest cos my key's already in the door. But man, the sky is thickening! I love a good storm. The roses in the garden on our street died overnight it seems like, white and scarlet gone withered soudain. Inspired/reminded by [ profile] metrosxualbutch to read some fiction while I still can, I started reading Bad Habits walking back from the library with another book in tow (Beyond Shame) this one inspired by [ profile] dybbukdrama.
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Will ever a Pesach come 'round when I don't miss my car? Poor, poor Volvo I loved. The trees are **budding here, shoots are pushing up through the dirt. I am not the only one in my neighborhood walking around with my head tilted just a little toward the sky, smelling spring.
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I think I smell the river, some form of g-d,
the night air's cold and smells of straw, mud and saffron I mistake for silt
rising up solid and murky, pulsing like it does
the half moon hung high in skinny blooming branches
I can feel everything,

* * *
Further proof: there was so much chest hair in my Sovereignty seminar yesterday.
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She sneaks up from behind/Come on, you deserve it!

nearest book, pg 23, find the fifth sentence and copy the next three )

I don't feel like tagging but please know I'm thinking of you and would like to know what books you're by.

Whoa, I'm done with my thesis! It's due the day after tomorrow. I need to write a paper on Arendt. I'm exhausted from staying up late last night at a debaucherous and very gay frat party. Hungry. Kind of incoherent, but filled with energy from the shifting light, blue skies all day thick clouds and now the slow slide of twilight. (And a beautiful hawk, cream-colored underbelly, swooping by me while I speeded up on the Taconic. Mmm, spring!)
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I'm sitting around shirtless doing some work, being a smelly boi with suspenders hooked to my jeans. This Tom's of Finland deodorant just isn't really doing it, what with its sissy calendula and honeysuckle. (Note: I love sissyness as well as flowers and herbs.) Yesterday I gave Sethie a haircut that turned out both Prada-esque and really dykey, which is funny because although Seth likes girls Seth is not a dyke. Then I took the 5 bucks I'd earned for my hour and a half of hard work and bought a big bottle of Heineken and some rolling tobacco. It felt so fucking luxurious, I can't even tell you. I hate running out of tobacco. Then I hung out with my boys, scammed a copy of my favorite B-side---Cake Boy!--from Ryan, and made up/out with my girlfriend.

I love springtime.

Oh and when Matt and I were at Zorona's we were convinced we had finally, all 3 of us, slipped into purgatory. The smoke from the kitchen and the langorous ululations of the music really helped.

Speaking of Christian stuff, anyway evidently today is Easter, who knew. Cristina was all excited when she woke up even though she's not a practicing Christian (note that I first typed 'a practicing Cristina'). It's weird for me to not really give a fuck about a day that's so obviously important to a bunch of people here. I mean, it's a beautiful spring day. Passover's not too far away. Greek Easter falls on Mayday this year. But 'normal' Easter? Eh.

I want to go play outside. I need to finish work first, and then it won't be as warm. Oh well. Maybe I'll trot out the ol' bike and see how that goes.
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This is a poem by Diane DiPrima, the last in a series of four called "Songs to Spring." The other ones are good too. Ahem.

Well spring
I'm onto your tricks
don't think
I'll be easier on you
all winter
you sat on a fence
and grinned
when you come again
I think
I'll never sleep
for walking the
2 AM mist
till dawn
and then
dancing the day

Perhaps I should go back to my performativity paper. I feel oddly sleepy and worn down. Perhaps that's because I had Ahkmak for dinner. Really what I feel like is writing poetry but I don't know if I've got it in me. May as well give it a go.
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All I wanna do is smoke cigarettes outside in the sunlight and read books about queer sex. Sex itself would be pretty good too. I skipped Africana Studies to work on the drawing of myself as Melodious Thunk, and have to go to art in half an hour and in that interim pick out drawings from my portfolio. So that's what I should do now. Even though I just want to go lie down outside in the sun. Ahhh... spring!


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January 2017

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