starfrosting: (firmament)
how to walk between the worlds. how to keep each foot each center solidly in each realm, simultaneously, while living in and enlivening the loamy starry space between.

first duty

Oct. 24th, 2010 10:07 pm
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Discipline is the highest of all virtues. Only so may strength and desire be counterbalanced and the endeavors of man bear fruit.
(--Kazantzakis, The Saviors of God)
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From Lauren Berlant:
Most of the writing we do is actually a performance of stuckness. It is a record of where we got stuck on a question for long enough to do some research and write out the whole knot until the original passion and curiosity that made us want to try to say something about something got so detailed, buried, encrypted, and diluted that the energetic and risk-taking impulse became sealed and delivered in the form of a defense against thinking any more about it. Along the way, something might have happened to the scene the question stood for: or not.

chequeando

Apr. 29th, 2009 03:39 pm
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Today some fuse blew in the kitchen toward the end of breakfast and left us totally in the dark, waffles and pancakes mid-grill, and in the scramble I went outside where ConEd was digging a ditch in the road. I thought it was going to turn into 1970s gay porn when butch ConEd men Mario (the thick Italian one) and Tom (the blond mustachioed one) offered to come take a look, but instead the hostess found a hidden circuit-breaker and all was fixed, oh well.

I have been feeling kind of hazy and salty these past few days, not really sure why.
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Damn, it feels good to work on this article finally! Ever since I revised it for that conference all the way back in December, I have been procrastinating like never before. But since the Hypatia deadline is April, and it's definitely March now, I figured I needed to get cracking. So here I am, listening to Mississippi John Hurt and drinking Diet Dr Pepper, just like the good ol' days.

It feels good to produce, and refine, and carve, take care. It feels good to light a candle and make a prayer first (the "blessing the path" standby) and feel my work flowing, feel my competence flowing from my passion and feeding my pride and focus.
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Meshell's new album is really growing on me. At first I thought it was too slapdash trip-hoppy rock but the deep funk logic is starting to emerge. Every time she sings "Jesus is coming/to tell you/that he is not God" I get chills up my spine. And nevermind when she proclaims our worldly purpose as "to make love/and manifest Creation." You should check The World Has Made Me The Man of My Dreams out.

As an aside, looking for work continues to suck. I trailed at this wonderful fancy Italian place last night with the most placid kitchen I've ever been in. The chef was really reserved, calm, and serious, which was a strange change. As Taylor put it, I really want to work in a kitchen where a man's telling me what to do. But, nu, we'll see. I'm more stressed out at the prospect of working 55 hour weeks for peanuts and not having any time to see people with normal schedules.
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Today I put my music onto my work computer, and while it didn't transfer my playlists (I wonder how you do that?), it sure is wonderful to listen to my whole library while I plug away. It sounds sad to say, but a nice strong cup of hazelnut machine coffee tempered into iced coffee with milk and ice + Birth of the Cool equals a much happier Wednesday.
Today a kid from Vassar who is helping me spread the word about Queer Cuny VIII looked at my email address and commented that it didn't seem worthy of my abilities. True. It's not. Malaise here that I've realized, through conversation with the girl who trained me, is totally justified by weird loops of favoritism and barely-palpable talk behind doors and over heads. It's strange to be in a situation and not know whether it's worth exerting the energy one way or the other.

Actually, that's an important part of my work right now: where and how am I exerting energy, how am I holding it, how am I shifting it? Putting my energy into power (whether still, cupped in the bowl of my belly, or more dynamic) rather than grinding away in frustration. Not just trying to wipe all my faults and frustrations away, as both [livejournal.com profile] chemalfait and [livejournal.com profile] loveandpower have pointed out, but finding how to hold them better, make space to sit with and transform them slowly as necessary.
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Whoa, there is a big beautiful fierce thunderstorm outside that whipped buckets of rain down and just subsided briefly to a hazy bright sky. Tornado warnings afoot but safe in the now-stuffy house I just feel that electric storm-excitement.

I presented on my thesis at the philosophy end-of-year party last night and it went well and I got good feedback and had fun eating good food and schmoozing. Uma seems set on helping me publish something soon so that's exciting too.

Today I have to write my last-ever paper at Vassar, that Agamben thing. I gotta get to it now that I've been awake for 41/2 hours and haven't touched the damn thing.
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This weather plus Mr Descartes plus having spilled most of my morning coffee over my floor means I'm here in my office hours in quite a mood. I don't wanna write about the stupid ball of wax; it makes me feel, well, stupid. And at 2 my thesis advisor is coming by to go over my draft- so I really do need to get over these bad no-good-at-philosophy thoughts.
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I am such a happy lad! Philosophy was talk of faith + doubt today and at the end of class I asked Giovanna to be my correlate advisor and she said yes. We went to her office to chat briefly and she asked if I had read the materials before because she got the impression I was engaged with and understood thet texts. Umm, no, but maybe this is a sign I'm on the right path (the path being philosophy). Ms. Borradori has an amazing accent and has worn the same hooded gray sweater to class these past three sessions. Sigh.

Also. I have no more classes for the day, which means: room cleaning, exercising, submissive essay readin' and hopefully writing, a trip with Matt for cigarettes, and general restfulness and delight.

Despite having lots of work to do, I'm not feeling overwhelmed at the moment-- which, you know, is sometimes all you can ask for.

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