(no subject)

Jaclyn is coming to visit me in 12 hours. I am tired. My left ear piercing which is earring-absent is also infection-present, or at least crusty.

I keep thinking about nipple piercing. And these beautiful candy-apple red wrist restraints. And how I really should learn maybe not to post random, frivolous, intimate things like that online. Hmm. Or not.

a real entry

As opposed to what I last posted, here is something real. I wrote it this afternoon. It makes me sad.

* * *
This is so internalized it's not even inside me, it's running through me + I wonder if my body is built such that everytime I fuck a woman I betray my ovaries, betray my blood---I wonder if this urgent need to get fucked means my hormones pump + lubricate in preparation for some scene of conception, secretions just reminders of the duty-joy of reproduction---

I thought I had dealt with this, seen my body manifest strength beyond + alongside this, heard my heart race triumphantly at outrunning this--- Somewhere between August and the thaw I felt okay in this, queerness, felt my muscles luxuriate + contract with this + now...Now there's something saying stop outrunning your destiny and that scares the shit out of me.

My destiny (what I am to fulfull) is to stop this splitting between logos + eros, episteme + techne, begin building embodiment of my body thru my words and vice versa. I mean, I thought my destiny is to not be determined by biologies of domination, I thought I would bleed out my words + live. To tell the tale. + live. To make these poems outside of these dualisms, + then I find these powers replicating thru my body?!