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lughnassadh.
Aug. 1st, 2004 08:18 pmHonest to g-d I almost had a panic attack this morning at work. Read an email from my best (girl) friend up at school who may end up being more than a friend- or not- in which she asked me to articulate some of the issues I've been dealing with around transness...like if I i.d. as trans, how it's been affecting me, what I've been feeling etc. And so there I was at the cutting board head spinning heart pound pound pounding feeling like the most incredible anxious I've felt in a long long time, realizing that
I don't know how to deal with any of this, I don't even know where I'm positioned at any given moment, what words to use, how to figure out my (interrupted) interpretations of my body, what to do about the disappointment that crushes me when I hear a random person say 'she'---
realizing that however/whoever I am is most likely not what she wants, and does that bug me or not, and how much of a boy am I and how much of one to I want to be?
((and how might I have any right to think about any of this if I feel inclined to put the word "be" in quotation marks indicating ontological impossibility?))
Today is Lughnassadh, the crossquarter between Litha and Mabon when the god crosses into the otherworld, sailing over into the lands of the dead. This myth makes sense to me, as long as I don't pick it to death + allow its energy to just reach me. This is the wake of the sun. Things will be cut down. Paths of light will wind into the shadow.
But good Goddess, why this initiation now?
I don't know how to deal with any of this, I don't even know where I'm positioned at any given moment, what words to use, how to figure out my (interrupted) interpretations of my body, what to do about the disappointment that crushes me when I hear a random person say 'she'---
realizing that however/whoever I am is most likely not what she wants, and does that bug me or not, and how much of a boy am I and how much of one to I want to be?
((and how might I have any right to think about any of this if I feel inclined to put the word "be" in quotation marks indicating ontological impossibility?))
Today is Lughnassadh, the crossquarter between Litha and Mabon when the god crosses into the otherworld, sailing over into the lands of the dead. This myth makes sense to me, as long as I don't pick it to death + allow its energy to just reach me. This is the wake of the sun. Things will be cut down. Paths of light will wind into the shadow.
But good Goddess, why this initiation now?
