there's more to life than books, you know

Today is the 15th of Av, a full moon, a hinge between mourning and consolation, the day of the future redemption.

Tisha B'Av was appropriately hard, feeling what I could through the fast of brokenness, shattering, all the ways we destroy the mishkan, or fail to re-build it. Mama and Daddy-o came up cos Bro's having a hard time; they all went home together. I was torn but I'm glad I stayed, because I went to go learn and break the fast with my rabbi and Romemu people. We learned about the teaching that the moshiach is born on Tisha B'Av, born on Tisha B'Av that is, not come, not arrived. Redemption crowning, but not come, our job to give moshiach a good upbringing. We learned, drawing from some wordplay on three rivers mentioned in the Book of Daniel that I wish I could remember, about the possibility of redemption being founded on that river 'maybe,' an incapacity to be content with what was once good enough and set sail on that maybe. We learned more about what translates in Devarim as "turn and go up," or "turn and face it"--- all this stuff so freakishly relevant. 7 weeks-- another sefirah-- between now and Rosh Hashanah. My rabbi talked about the temple not as the literal structure, but as the Earth, the Shekhinah, "the divine mother herself in the trees, in the ocean, in the eyes [of someone reaching out]..." Uch, it was so good. I was still feeling pretty heavy and sad even with the break-fast so I sat down without the energy to fake it, and this beautiful lithe bright-eyed girl came right over to sit by me. She was awesome, and her friend was awesome, and we sat next door at my favorite Cafe Viva with the gorgeous counterboy who flashed his green-eyed grin my way and gave me free food (next time, next time-- it wasn't quite the right time to put out another line.)

And oh, did I forget one of the best parts, my rabbi saying goodbye by calling me "sweetie" in the most loving-kind way and us pulling each other into a good solid hug?

There is lots of pain on this precipice right now but there is tons of love too if I just remember to plug in.

After an awesome French reading class today I was struck with frittering anxiety gathering speed so I walked in the hot heat, got a smoothie 10¢ short from a truck on University and set to combing the stacks outside the Strand. Sometimes, like today, the dollar racks are a blessing from the city/universe/Gods. I scored:

-A three-inch wide book called The History of Tom Jones, A Foundling with illustration plates, a gift for Taylor.

-Escoffier's Ma Cuisine, in English malheureusement.

-The Kybalion, a little blue hardback book of soi-disant Hermetic philosophy

-Woman Who Glows in the Dark, about curanderismo

-The Quantum Gods, a real black occult paperback from Weiser

-Paul Auster's City of Glass, which the guy inside congratulated me on

-A dark little gastronomical novel called The Debt to Pleasure with a cut-out on the jacket framing a picture of a peach

-And oh, maybe the best for last, Kazantzakis' The Saviors of God: Spiritual Exercises

The moon must be waning because I want to cull, cull, cull! organize + eliminate. It feels great to finally do it! Split that infinitive hard, okay, cos I just cleared a whole space. Taylor's room looks better already.

I got to leave work way early today because I'm technically contagious and while I got a stormcloud over my head for a minute when I thought I'd ruined one of my most favorite pair of shoes by smearing beeswax conditioner all over their non-smooth surface, that cleared. I got a nubuck cleanin' kit from the CVS and prayed over my shoes, seriously, Blessed art You...Revitalization, creation and beauty. They look a lot better now.

"Oatstraw and oats strengthen and nourish the nerves and the nervous system. Full of nerve-cell nutrients, oatstraw helps regulate nervous system and chakra energies. The emotional and subtle bodies benefit amazingly from regular use, and psychic abilities often improve. By nourishing and tonifying the nerves and helping to eliminate bio-electrical resistance, oatstraw opens the nervous system to a wide range of terrestrial and galactic energies."
(---susun weed, healing wise)

My palms smell like bleach, wiping the counter clean, spraying down the fridge, picking crumbs up off the floor. I've been on such an organizing sweep lately, photos into folders and the surfaces of our house. Meanwhile my whole body is singing of knots, stretching open: making fists and tying lines, finding space and pulling tight.

like early April outside.
shined my shoes yesterday. that is one of the most satisfying things in the world. smelled like shoe polish all throughout my seminar.
buffing my nails.
filing off rough edges, in the grander sense.
my heart is all about opening, opening, opening wide once I have a cup of coffee. seriously.
caffeine works magic. diy anti-blues.
not anti the blues, just anti the 'end of the semester and I'm a fuck-up' dumps that yr down in.
only thing that would make it better is if a big wind picked up.
I think I deserve a nap. I wish I had Nietzsche on tape so I could fall asleep listening to Thus Spoke Zarathustra cos I don't want to use my eyes right now.
Or paragraphs.

love!