drag

[starfrosting]

I'm wondering if it's possible for me not to fall into this sharp divide between "smoking!" and "not smoking!", if I can smoke cigarettes without making it a habitual way of dealing with stress, if I can just smoke, occasionally, without the protracted commitment slow tobacco suicide requires. I'm wondering if I'll go do Pilates tomorrow and afterward feel like an ass for having a package of Camels sitting in my room, or afterward feel like a cigarette before Women's Studies. I guess it doesn't matter; I know full well what the risks are as well as what my own tendencies are for addiction and anxiety and repetitive rituals. What I don't really know are my own motivations for picking this up again, other than the inkling that it's not as serious an either/or thing as I had to make it in order to stop completely. What I need to do is stop rattling and just listen. I'll hear.

Comments

g

[kittenpistol.livejournal.com]

olivia, i'm at the same fucking point you are in this sigarette business. I smoked for about 10 days straight, between 1-3 per day, and now i'm at a standstill. I like smoking for a little bit, because i can handle it, get a buzz and its soothing. then after about two weeks, my body tells me to stop. at heart, i do not think i'm a smoker. you're probably not either. If you smoke for a couple days, and then just listen to your body, you'd be able to stop before anything happens.

i have a question. what is baudelaire?

[starfrosting.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's weird that yer asking about Baudelaire. Why?! I just read some stuff by him about Edgar Allen. He was a French poet and critic, wrote "The Painter of Modern Life" and some other quoteunquote notable essays. I think he wrote about lesbian vampires, though that may have been this dude called Swinburne. I found a site about Baudelaire for you @ http://www.empirezine.com/spotlight/bau/bau-bio.htm.

Hey, I think yer right about the cigarette business. I think my body can take small doses of tobacco for small periods of time, just not small doses for small periods over my whole life. Ya know? And the whole being-three-and-a-half-months premature thing adds to it. But as a fellow energy-sensitive-person, I trust yr appraisial a lot.

Smooches from a mouth that tastes like orange dark chocolate and Camel cigarettes--

b/c

[kittenpistol.livejournal.com]

i asked you about baudelaire because i always see that name etched in my head. it was a song i once knew, then i saw a book about it and was intrigued. when i thought about it, in my mind you were right there with it. you know what i mean? maybe because i saw you with it once and my memory recorded it and i just don't remember....or mabybe,...i don't know. thanks for the site though.

jesus, i knew you were premature, but i didn't know by 3.5 months. did you have to stay in the hospital for a long time? you know, all the premature babes i know are all very intelligent. that's interesting.