'baby yer sex in my jeans, yeah yer sex in my jeans/tell me do you want me, do you?'

[starfrosting]

'cos i want you too!'

[ahem, the entry, rather than lyrics...]

* * * *
Sometimes songs don't fit me cos I wasn't queer when I was 14, I can look back and edit my life to fit some narrative but when I was 14 I wasn't consciously gay. I mean I thought I liked boys but I wasn't giving head on vacation, I was pulling out of my Oasis obsession and making my first zine. Sometimes now I look back and I wonder if maybe the reason I never did much w/boys in middle school + high school is that on some level I Knew but I am reluctant to really think that cos it seems like me carving away my past to fit some story to tell myself now.

So looking back at the past few years of my relatively short life is a way for me right now to come to terms with the possible past-tenseness of my bisexuality. I'm realizing that it's possible to not have some essential sexual identity that follows you from birth to grave, that yr 'real' identity may arise early late in between or never. That me liking boys in the past can certainly be authentic for me *then*...I'm just feeling like now I'm more of a fully-formed erotic person than then, and in that sense my attraction to women is way more important in giving me traction in desire + identity than my 14 year-old crushes. That I can be a dyke and take my bi-consciousness that forced me to look beyond simple binaries and identity clubs along with me. That monosexuality doesn't have to be monosexual if I really think about what it means to claim sexuality based on biological gender.

Right now at this moment right now I am feeling so safe in claiming queer and I don't know if you can imagine how good that feels. My nails are bitten down and coffee is the reason for all these entries, and I'm starting to dream about the summer. I'm thinking about visiting my grandparents in Cape Cod and going to Ptown w/them and how I'll feel walking down those streets swarming with leathermen and lesbians and spectating straights. If I'll feel my queerness held secret within my chest or reaching out like all open palmed.

Comments

[acrazedgirl.livejournal.com]

i love queer and all the entails! i claim bisexual for now, although i dont underestimate an attraction to transgendered or transexual people, it has just never come up.