"it's yr fire, it's yr soul...it shouldn't have to go"

[starfrosting]

"Maybe just de-butch a little bit before coming home, yknow. Wear the ankle length pants."
-my dad, on how to placate my mom; also assuring me that I don't
have to become Jayne Koelhoffer to do so.

Comments

[acrazedgirl.livejournal.com]

that's terrible. dont you hate how parents cant deal with who you are. i think they should be happy that you allow them to see. i have the "im not going to church with you" debate coming on. this will be the first time i tell them i dont beilve in god...dun dun dun

[dreamofapriest.livejournal.com]

wow. you should come to my house. butch it up totally. i hink it's totally hot

[starfrosting.livejournal.com]

A two part reply (actually, make that 3):

Sheena, thanks. I'm flattered. If my harness weren't at school I'd totally pack heat for you too. (...;)...) heehee. And darlin, when am I gonna see you? I guess if not Christmas night then towards the beginning of January, as I'm going away.

Sarah: yeah, it does sound kinda terrible. But also it was kinda funny hearing my dad call me butch, and giving me conspiratorial advice. On the other hand, it sucks that my mom freaks out cos I was wearing boys' pants. Good thing she doesn't know about the undies. (Jaclyn, are you reading this? The 'Ants in my pants!' pair of briefs is so adorable.)

And practically an entry in the comments section: Basically I'm sick of modifying my self, yknow? I mean, I'm not waving private/radical things around in their face, but I feel like as I become more comfortable with who I am slash who I am becoming, it feels more true/brazen to just not hide.

On the Goddess' third hand, I visited relatives in CT the other night. My dad's uncle Yannis didn't recognize me at first. And it was weird, cos when Yannis and my dad were talking about when we'll meet in NYC they were dreaming of "dressing up" and wearing their respective nice suits. It really kinda made me off-kilter to realize that damn, as much as I look hot in a pinstriped skirt, when we meet in the city I don't want to be in pantyhose and heels. I want to be in pressed shirtsleeves and polished shoes.

It's not like I'm completely rejecting quoteunquote femininity; there's definitely girly things I dig. I mean, I'm pretty girly. And sometimes I like wearing skirts. Also sometimes it feels like drag, in the same way that wearing a suit would. It's just that when we meet in the city to discuss Greek family history over dinner I see myself in a clean button-down, maybe smelling like my dad's cologne. Is this really fucked up? I don't know. Looks like I'll be doing my gender workbook over vacation, ha ha ha. Ha.

[acrazedgirl.livejournal.com]

i love the gender workbook! i tease my bestfriend all the time about it. i say that she is the butch, but she says i am the butch. we have stupid reasons, mine is that she wears baggy pants (not really anymore, but i would always tease her) and sneakers and i dont know why she thinks i am. maybe cause i am tall, oh, and i chopped all my hair off. she always puts it behind my ears and says i look like a boy and giggles. or maybe she just wants me to be butch, she always makes me take off my makeup. we had a cross-dressing party once and i failed horribly. there is nothing i can do with boobs. ahhh rambling. then i had an idea of femme/butch in relation to the other. i dissect these issues constantly and it annoys everyone. i love wearing skirts. i wear them with nothing underneath unless it is crotchless tights. i wear them in the winter. i suffer for fashion!hehe i feel weird in baggy clothes and often feel like i am playing dress up. i suppose i have my butch side, i HATE deodorant, i cant stand flowery lotions or body sprays, ill kick your butt at any running sport or volleyball...stuff like that. what i think is weird that i havent been able to wrap my mind around is butch being boyish or manly. it is so different and there is something distinctly feminine about being butch (that is contradicting i know). but when i think butch, i dont think rough or manly or anything like that. i suppose i think more of androgynous. i think soft smooth neck melting into crisp pressed collar. i think direct sharp eyes below short simple hair. i have been wanting to write a peice about this after i get more organized in my thoughts. now i am just going, i just like thinking about these things.