all at once

In my dream I felt overwhelmed by everything and she was there, bulldagger smooth w/eyes compassionate and soft sweater. She took me in her arms and I felt wrapped up in safety that smelled sort of woolen and her toughness in that moment suspended to reveal the web of deep quiet knowing that pulls her butch strength together and gives it value and weight. I was crying heavy but holding it somehow in a small glass inside me so quiet in her hold and she said, "You just tried to come out with everything all at once." Soothed me without cooing, just direct gentleness and like looking deep in someone's eyes to see what they really mean. Our common Greek blood and I feltknew that she could sensefeel what I meant, like her hand was a river washing over this rock lodged in my chest. And it was understanding and validation and solidarity, that I wasn't walking any path alone, and I think I cried against her shoulder and didn't feel weak. And it was about my self-doubt and anxiety and queerness, and it was about this butch dyke not-quite boi so circle-of-light quiet top in real life taking that responsibility and power to me, transmitting it like lineage.

can we cut the difference like a deck of cards?

You said, "I just need someone to call me on my shit" and I remember thinking how stupidly self-indulgent that sounded. In that context it is.

But today an image flashed through my body and I realized, damn, I want someone to grab my collar and say, "Oh, you like that I'm dominant do ya?" and make my heart leap in realization of the reality of power. I need someone to call me on my shit about my fantasies of bottoming to a butch top, make that real so fear rushes immediately to excitement somewhere between my solar plexus + throat and pours down- I'm thinking specifically of one person who I don't really know, but has hinted publicly at hir preliction for being in control and I thought about her smoothly muscled torso suggested by her white shirts and leather jacket. I'm not gonna reveal the person, but let's just say hir name kinda rhymes with cake. That's not obvious. ;)

So yeah, there's a difference between fantasy and reality and dammit I need someone to call me on it.